This just in, Dick Cheney is a cuddler

Cartman

2011-11-28T14:52:00.001+01:00

I'm fascinated by the idea of a 5-year-old Hitler, pulling on his dad's pant leg, asking "am I too young to have mortal enemies?"

Down-to-earth

2011-11-28T14:10:00.001+01:00

Ill-Advised Dreamer Flies Too Close To The Sun

Hammy

2011-10-24T22:00:00.001+02:00

Professional Tractor Puller Pulls Hamstring In Prius-Related Accident.

Craving that new hand feel

2011-10-24T21:59:00.001+02:00

Admitting Defeat: Right-Handed Pervert Closes Online-Dating Account, Spends Record-Breaking Sum On Hand Transplant.

Did anyone ask?

2011-07-28T20:53:00.003+02:00

I like my women like I like my golf courses, short and with a minimum of 18 holes.

if i were given the chance to ask god anything...

2011-06-07T01:42:00.008+02:00

I'd start off by asking "exactly how many guys go fishing for Lance Bass annually?".

Jingle Bells

2011-05-21T13:41:00.002+02:00

When people say "it goes all the way to the top" what they really mean is "Santa is involved".

i guess...

2011-05-20T23:05:00.002+02:00

Ironically the gift which keeps on giving is the whore who keeps on sucking.

Boom

2011-04-23T12:46:00.001+02:00

Ed Helms telling-off his overbearing girlfriend at the end of The Hangover is the ”frankly my dear, i don’t give a damn” of the 21st century.

Jerk

2011-01-21T14:15:00.004+01:00

If you feel the need to proclaim that you "turned out OK", chances are you didn't.

The champ is here

2011-01-21T14:13:00.001+01:00

Some of my more highbrow friends call me the Roger Federer of watching tennis while lying in bed putting on weight.

Ali or Federer?

2011-01-20T15:38:00.001+01:00

I believe I need 2 see Will Smith play the aforementioned Swiss in the story about his life before I cast my vote.

Charlie Harper (vici)

2010-09-13T22:10:00.001+02:00

Bringing up the rear are gay latinos named Juan and black women - only one of each.

Charlie Harper (vidi)

2010-09-13T22:08:00.001+02:00

According to the NotReallyMonthly blondes, brunettes, redheads, and smurfs are most likely to sleep with Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Harper (veni)

2010-09-13T22:07:00.002+02:00

If you're a 15-year-old girl, living in Hollywood, and you haven't slept with Charlie Sheen yet, you're not doing it right.

Dolla, dolla bill y'all

2010-09-05T09:49:00.000+02:00

Money doesn't talk, it screams!

Eat it

2010-08-22T11:13:00.003+02:00

When you think about it the difference between being a vegetarian and gay really isn't that great. One likes fruit, the other one is a fruit.

Don't look up my sleeve

2010-08-20T19:40:00.001+02:00

When the topic is race, why don't more white politicians play the Master-card?

The one that got away

2010-08-17T21:46:00.000+02:00

Remember back in spring when Toyota was suppose to recall all cars with faulty brakes... http://bit.ly/c3fZzU

Little-known fact

2010-08-10T12:27:00.002+02:00

It's actually cheaper to buy sex from Lady Gaga than to see her live in concert.

Things I hear on a daily basis

2010-08-09T22:05:00.001+02:00

If you're God's gift to women, we (the women) would like a receipt.

Anthony Weiner

2010-08-05T20:32:00.001+02:00

At the risk of sounding like a major penis, I'm changing my name to Dick.

WWJOAOPUKD

2010-08-05T00:08:00.003+02:00

Makes you think, doesn't it? In times like these ask yourself what would Jesus or any other Polish underprivileged kid do.

144h/w

2010-08-05T00:08:00.001+02:00

God sure was in a lot of hurry creating the universe. What if the Almighty really is a migrant worker in need of desperate help...

Clearasil my ass

2010-07-30T07:30:00.000+02:00

I've got so bad skin I could be NBC's next breakout star.

Crazy bastards!

2010-07-28T19:07:00.001+02:00

I've just learned that a surprisingly large number of suicide bombers don't care about their retirement plan.

An advice

2010-07-28T19:02:00.000+02:00

If you're a straight man in a gay bar refrain from using the expression "I'll try anything once".

Hi, hi

2010-07-28T18:43:00.001+02:00

In an effort to attract more audience, starting next week, The Glenn Beck Program will, in addition to a crying baby, feature a laugh track.

Speed dating

2010-07-28T06:51:00.000+02:00

"Hey baby, don't you think it's time for church and state to get back together. I'll be church, you'll be state."

Touch Me

2010-07-28T06:50:00.001+02:00

How come it's "kid in a candy store" and not "peodophile in a candy store"? Isn't it all about having access to numerous options?

Jokes which would've been funny if told five years ago

2010-07-26T19:51:00.000+02:00

Where there's a Will, there's often a Grace or Jack within earshot.

Really, it's a problem

2010-07-21T21:56:00.001+02:00

I'm a sucker for "see thru". It's gotten so bad that everytime I pass a window I'll grow an inch or two.

I'm such a loser

2010-07-21T21:29:00.002+02:00

What does a BJ feel like? Is it really that different from blowing your nose?

Wooooohhh!

2010-07-21T21:24:00.000+02:00

Can God grow a moustache so thick that He himself cannot comb it?

BREAKING NEWS!

2010-07-21T21:21:00.000+02:00

Glenn Beck's chalkboard goes public; "I'm a communist."

Love me tender

2010-07-21T21:14:00.001+02:00

From the makers of "Yes, We Can" comes "Yes, We Care". All the can-do spirit of '08 but with 50% more crushed Care Bear.

Ancient fact

2010-07-21T21:13:00.000+02:00

The initial purpose of April Fools' Day was to give people an idea of what it would be like working in politics.

Ignorance is bliss

2010-07-18T11:21:00.000+02:00

I can't stand all the violence going on in the world! Oh, what's that? You can change the channel? Well, why didn't you say so... - PUPPIES!

That's ignorant - part III (long overdue)

2010-07-18T11:15:00.001+02:00

According to another study conducted by the residents of Greenwich Village a whopping 82% of potheads celebrated "420" on "421".

That's ignorant - part II

2010-07-18T11:13:00.001+02:00

In the very same survey, 47% were positive about the upcoming cap and trade summit.
"It's about time they bust a cap in that ni**er's ass", said one butch environmentalist.

That's ignorant - part I

2010-07-18T11:12:00.000+02:00

According to a nationwide survey, only 2 out of 10 Americans know what the Bill of Rights is. What’s even more shocking is that a majority of the survey’s participants claim "they've never ordered any".

George the second

2010-01-14T18:42:00.004+01:00

"Hee-man isn't Haitian is he?... puh, I'll go back to sleep then."

When 2 becomes 1 (Spice Girls tribute)

2010-01-08T13:49:00.002+01:00

If it wasn't for the first world war the second would've never occured.

Did I just blow your mind?

2010-01-08T13:45:00.005+01:00

I rather be home wishing I was here. To anticipate or believe in something is always better than actually experience anything.

Except the one, you know

2009-12-11T18:21:00.005+01:00

There's only one way to win in war, and that is to eliminate all other ways.

And the nominees are...

2009-12-11T18:10:00.003+01:00

Not many know this but the Country Music Awards was originally the Nobel Prize's equivalent to the Razzie Awards.

Not as cold

2009-12-08T09:59:00.003+01:00

I've always liked dawn rather than dan - somehow it's nicer in the morning.

Give me the bait

2009-11-21T22:57:00.005+01:00

We don't have enough debates on whether or not debates should be debated or just bated.

Oscar Wilde eat my dust

2009-11-21T02:28:00.006+01:00

Writing techniques such as "Orwellian" or "stream of consciousness" are all well-known but "Palaskan" is a new one. Metaphorically you mix any pregnant, catholic, hockey mum with the writing ability of a sober Anna Nicole Smith, and the result is always astonishing.

"Woods deep, me scared
I look up, see a bear
Help, help, I scream
Only to wake up from my dream
Time to kill all the darn animals
Hope I don't accidentally touch Todd's genitals"

Just let me change socks

2009-11-21T02:02:00.007+01:00

There are two sides to every story, unless the story includes a threesome - in which case, tell it again.

Money is like currency to terrorists

2009-11-21T01:36:00.011+01:00

Did Dick Cheney even contemplate the "a penny for your thoughts technique" before jumping straight to waterboarding?

I love you

2009-11-20T21:04:00.005+01:00

War is like the thick crust on a pizza - you gotta battle through it before you get to the really good part.

Second in command

2009-11-20T17:46:00.001+01:00

With Oprah closing up shop in 2011, will Obama or Gayle lead the free world?

Nailin' Palin

2009-11-20T17:08:00.014+01:00

We all know the Associated Press assigned eleven fact checkers to Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue, but what the media didn't tell you is far more noteworthy. In addition to the fact checkers, twelve spell checkers were assigned, of which five will never walk again!

Authentic quote: "Cake, I want some nigger-cake!"

2009-11-13T22:44:00.004+01:00

Damn, the dollar is weak. I blame George Washington, he hasn't been this out of shape since his favorite slave left him for another master.

On the same movie

2009-11-13T19:32:00.005+01:00

Not having a single clock on display in Clockwork Orange made me think Titanic would've been a much better picture without the gigant boat.

Truth lies within the hat

2009-11-13T19:30:00.006+01:00

After watching Clockwork Orange, I now believe all the problems in the Middle East can be solved by a single top hat.

Going road rage

2009-11-13T19:18:00.003+01:00

Can an illogical sentence be correct and if so, where does Sarah Palin buy them?

Not even the sky

2009-11-13T18:55:00.011+01:00

The recession knows no limits, just today I heard someone say "every cloud has a silver lining" - It used to be golden!

"Cinco de Mayo"

2009-11-13T18:50:00.004+01:00

"Wow, I haven't seen a pinata burst that fast since Lou Dobbs got fired."

An allegorical tale

2009-11-12T18:01:00.004+01:00

I was planning on playing with my bop-it for one hour straight, but after "pulling" it three times in a row I couldn't use it for another 20 minutes...

It's a real page-turner (you gotta at least try)

2009-11-11T15:56:00.004+01:00

If the health care bill is D.O.A. in the Senate why isn't the Constitution giving it page-to-page resuscitation.

Phone sex?

2009-11-09T14:19:00.002+01:00

I wonder how the porn industry is handling the swine flu outbreak, I mean if we aren't suppose to shake hands...

Amsterdam, dude!

2009-11-06T19:19:00.003+01:00

You know a city has too much weed per capita when it ends with "damn".

I'd like my steak medium-boiled

2009-11-06T18:59:00.004+01:00

With all the hold ups occurring "at gunpoint" you would think they have a decent police station nearby.

I sure won't, that wouldn't be butch

2009-11-03T16:19:00.007+01:00

Of course we can't have gays in the military. Who's gonna take the fall when a gay dude translate قنبلة (the bomb) with "fierce".

It's true, true

2009-11-03T16:14:00.006+01:00

Did you know that Abdullah Abdullah's father played "Johnny Two Times" in Goodfellas.

Moo ha ha

2009-10-31T12:18:00.001+01:00

One day I'm gonna own the world! Wait did I say "world", I meant Vacuum cleaner. Just two more payments!

Jew-gotta-be-friggin-kidding-me

2009-10-29T15:51:00.003+01:00

Is it really that much worse saying "jew bastard" than "you bastard".

Speel czech

2009-10-28T17:39:00.004+01:00

Is there anything more ironic than having to use Google's "did you mean" when searching for "spell check"?

My day as Paris Hilton

2009-10-28T17:14:00.012+01:00

I'm having such an "off day", I literally can't remember anything. Questions like; what was the name of Will Smith's character in "Fresh Prince", who is George Bush's father and how do I write ten with figures, are all for the moment insoluble.

I've got your number Rupert

2009-10-27T19:03:00.008+01:00

Am I the only one who is convinced that Fox News really is an undercover insane asylum with a single purpose of inspiring the Simpsons' writing team?

It's a fair question

2009-10-27T18:57:00.004+01:00

Is Alan Grayson the "Second Coming of Christ"?

"In the Year 2000"

2009-10-20T12:17:00.007+02:00

History will speak of George Bush as the "reading president", however history will also speak of Britney Spears as the "singing popstar", so you know, don't believe everything you read.

Tip from Mark Sanford (R)

2009-10-19T12:46:00.008+02:00

The best time to drop, what I like to call, the adultery-bomb is during a family picknick. I'm telling you plastic utensils and paper plates are far less damaging than porcelain figurines and handguns.

It burns!

2009-10-19T12:20:00.002+02:00

Whores are like lemons. They bruise easily, are always from another country and while consuming them it's normal to cry.

Well they do share birthday

2009-10-19T12:14:00.002+02:00

Jesus wouldn't be so popular if it wasn't for the fact that most people confuse him with Santa.

Bush had the same problem

2009-10-17T12:49:00.003+02:00

Why is it that everytime I'm about to finish a book I run out of crayon.

He got him back though

2009-10-14T16:18:00.003+02:00

Olympia Snowe's betrayal might be the biggest one since Jesus was a no-show at Judas b'day.

Ewww

2009-10-10T01:33:00.001+02:00

Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize is more premature than my ejaculation.

Show me the meaning

2009-10-08T18:36:00.004+02:00

The Backstreet Boys have cancelled several tour dates due to swine-flu. Maybe there's a God after all.

Outtake from Sarah Palin's history book

2009-10-07T17:52:00.004+02:00

"Nowadays we recycle everything from paper to pandas and the green movement is a force without comparison. But did you know that when recycling first started, about 70 years ago, almost everyone was against it. Everyone except the almighty Adolf Hitler.

Hitler stood his ground and argued that within six years he would have recycled all the world's Jews and grown fully functional elfs. When the theory proved inaccurate, after 6 million tries, Hitler couldn't cope with his humongous failure and on the 30th of April 1945 the world's greatest environmentalist took his own life.

Despite his experimental misfortune Hitler's profound impact on the green movement can never be questioned. He was and remains the greatest person to ever walk this flat earth."

Sex change included

2009-10-07T15:16:00.005+02:00

Roman Polanski really had his heart set on changing his name to Jowana B. Felt, but apparently Mark Foley beat him to it. Instead he went with his second choice Anita Fawk.

Oh God

2009-10-07T15:10:00.002+02:00

When people are talking about "The Good Book", do they always mean the fourth Harry Potter?

Fox News - Kicking ass, taking names

2009-10-05T01:31:00.011+02:00

I don't get how Glenn Beck can be oppose stem cell research, science is his only shot at ever growing a fully functional brain. Unless he wanna walk all the way to Oz.

No more Obamania

2009-10-05T01:24:00.003+02:00

I can't believe Pelé defeated team Oprama, what's next Lindsay Lohan winning a food eating contest?

Screw the Pilgrims

2009-10-02T13:44:00.007+02:00

What's so special about the Mayflower, it's the blooming during winter which is startling.

Knight Rider intro

2009-09-30T14:18:00.004+02:00

"In a world of criminals who operate above the law." Yeah it's much nicer to hunt down criminals who operate inside the law.

The puzzle unravels

2009-09-27T19:04:00.006+02:00

The most essential question now is; where was Roman Polanski during the JFK homicide?

Creationism

2009-09-25T22:03:00.003+02:00

If the Earth was created in less than a week, why should Rome take any more than a day?

BK's finest

2009-09-25T16:43:00.004+02:00

Just heard that Barbra Streisand is gonna use "auto-flow" on her next record. Apparently Barb got some of the maddest word-play ever, according to her gay white poodle.

Yeezy!

2009-09-25T16:37:00.002+02:00

I vote for Kanye as president. But only beacuse I wanna hear some nice soul samples featured in "Hail to the Cheif".

True story

2009-09-25T16:22:00.004+02:00

Reinfeldt's speech, during the summit in New York, might be Sweden's proudest moment since Doris the Cow slow danced with Göran Persson.

Hmm...

2009-09-25T00:59:00.005+02:00

Global warming is like an obnoxious mail order wife. Sure you hated her right from the get go, but you waited too long and now you're gonna spend your life together.

I brought flowers, kiss my ass

2009-09-25T00:49:00.001+02:00

I live buy one rule and one rule only: Diplomacy is the only way and violence the only rule.

Wind power - already a thing of the past?

2009-09-25T00:25:00.004+02:00

With the red alert news that wind speeds are rapidly declining, I've taken matters into my own hands and bought my very own blower. Although she wishes to be called Ms. Lewinsky.

Help me breathe motherfucker!

2009-09-25T00:16:00.004+02:00

I don't get why nature gets a free pass on climate change. Photosynthesis is a two-way street.

The Godfather Part XXX

2009-09-24T17:43:00.004+02:00

"Just when I thought I was out, she pulled it back in."

Pick a side will you

2009-09-24T15:47:00.000+02:00

After using America as a scapegoat for the last eight years we will now have to get by blaming Switzerland for all the world's problem.

Composition XXXV?

2009-09-22T09:24:00.002+02:00

I believe it was Kandinsky who said "I'm Special K, wanna see my flake?".