*unconscious*

When reaching for the stars remember to wear a helmet next time.

Sausage Legs

What kind of world do we live in when a pair of pants can't walk down the street without getting harassed by a pair of legs.

Lance Armstrong-ish

In a recently published survey 5 out of 6 dentists admit to occasionally lying in surveys, all adding they would never stoop so low.

Cartman

I'm fascinated by the idea of a 5-year-old Hitler, pulling on his dad's pant leg, asking "am I too young to have mortal enemies?"

Down-to-earth

Ill-Advised Dreamer Flies Too Close To The Sun

Hammy

Professional Tractor Puller Pulls Hamstring In Prius-Related Accident.

Craving that new hand feel

Admitting Defeat: Right-Handed Pervert Closes Online-Dating Account, Spends Record-Breaking Sum On Hand Transplant.

Did anyone ask?

I like my women like I like my golf courses, short and with a minimum of 18 holes.

if i were given the chance to ask god anything...

I'd start off by asking "exactly how many guys go fishing for Lance Bass annually?".

Jingle Bells

When people say "it goes all the way to the top" what they really mean is "Santa is involved".

i guess...

Ironically the gift which keeps on giving is the whore who keeps on sucking.

Boom

Ed Helms telling-off his overbearing girlfriend at the end of The Hangover is the ”frankly my dear, i don’t give a damn” of the 21st century.

Jerk

If you feel the need to proclaim that you "turned out OK", chances are you didn't.

The champ is here

Some of my more highbrow friends call me the Roger Federer of watching tennis while lying in bed putting on weight.

Ali or Federer?

I believe I need 2 see Will Smith play the aforementioned Swiss in the story about his life before I cast my vote.

Charlie Harper (vici)

Bringing up the rear are gay latinos named Juan and black women - only one of each.

Charlie Harper (vidi)

According to the NotReallyMonthly blondes, brunettes, redheads, and smurfs are most likely to sleep with Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Harper (veni)

If you're a 15-year-old girl, living in Hollywood, and you haven't slept with Charlie Sheen yet, you're not doing it right.

Dolla, dolla bill y'all

Money doesn't talk, it screams!

Eat it

When you think about it the difference between being a vegetarian and gay really isn't that great. One likes fruit, the other one is a fruit.

Don't look up my sleeve

When the topic is race, why don't more white politicians play the Master-card?

The one that got away

Remember back in spring when Toyota was suppose to recall all cars with faulty brakes... http://bit.ly/c3fZzU

Little-known fact

It's actually cheaper to buy sex from Lady Gaga than to see her live in concert.

Things I hear on a daily basis

If you're God's gift to women, we (the women) would like a receipt.

Anthony Weiner

At the risk of sounding like a major penis, I'm changing my name to Dick.

WWJOAOPUKD

Makes you think, doesn't it? In times like these ask yourself what would Jesus or any other Polish underprivileged kid do.

144h/w

God sure was in a lot of hurry creating the universe. What if the Almighty really is a migrant worker in need of desperate help...

Clearasil my ass

I've got so bad skin I could be NBC's next breakout star.

Crazy bastards!

I've just learned that a surprisingly large number of suicide bombers don't care about their retirement plan.

An advice

If you're a straight man in a gay bar refrain from using the expression "I'll try anything once".

Hi, hi

In an effort to attract more audience, starting next week, The Glenn Beck Program will, in addition to a crying baby, feature a laugh track.

Speed dating

"Hey baby, don't you think it's time for church and state to get back together. I'll be church, you'll be state."

Touch Me

How come it's "kid in a candy store" and not "peodophile in a candy store"? Isn't it all about having access to numerous options?

Jokes which would've been funny if told five years ago

Where there's a Will, there's often a Grace or Jack within earshot.

Really, it's a problem

I'm a sucker for "see thru". It's gotten so bad that everytime I pass a window I'll grow an inch or two.

I'm such a loser

What does a BJ feel like? Is it really that different from blowing your nose?

Wooooohhh!

Can God grow a moustache so thick that He himself cannot comb it?

BREAKING NEWS!

Glenn Beck's chalkboard goes public; "I'm a communist."

Love me tender

From the makers of "Yes, We Can" comes "Yes, We Care". All the can-do spirit of '08 but with 50% more crushed Care Bear.

Ancient fact

The initial purpose of April Fools' Day was to give people an idea of what it would be like working in politics.

Ignorance is bliss

I can't stand all the violence going on in the world! Oh, what's that? You can change the channel? Well, why didn't you say so... - PUPPIES!

That's ignorant - part III (long overdue)

According to another study conducted by the residents of Greenwich Village a whopping 82% of potheads celebrated "420" on "421".

That's ignorant - part II

In the very same survey, 47% were positive about the upcoming cap and trade summit.
"It's about time they bust a cap in that ni**er's ass", said one butch environmentalist.

That's ignorant - part I

According to a nationwide survey, only 2 out of 10 Americans know what the Bill of Rights is. What’s even more shocking is that a majority of the survey’s participants claim "they've never ordered any".

George the second

"Hee-man isn't Haitian is he?... puh, I'll go back to sleep then."

When 2 becomes 1 (Spice Girls tribute)

If it wasn't for the first world war the second would've never occured.

Did I just blow your mind?

I rather be home wishing I was here. To anticipate or believe in something is always better than actually experience anything.

Except the one, you know

There's only one way to win in war, and that is to eliminate all other ways.

And the nominees are...

Not many know this but the Country Music Awards was originally the Nobel Prize's equivalent to the Razzie Awards.

Not as cold

I've always liked dawn rather than dan - somehow it's nicer in the morning.